Third Grade

We’re on the brink of a new school year and, while everyone in this little family is pretty excited about the adventure ahead, I’d be lying if I didn’t say I’m nervous. So many of you prayed for us, emailed me and continue to check in after our bad start in 3rd grade last fall. I have had this post written for months and finally mustered the courage to press the publish button… *deep breath*
be kind

 

Starting with the very first day of school, John relayed stories that had me worried. The things that his teacher said to him (and others in the classroom) just didn’t seem right. I worriedly shared the stories coming home each day with Mother (a lifelong educator, teacher and administrator) and one of my besties who is also a teacher. Both insisted that I start a log, recording dates and incidents. I’ll be honest, at first it felt silly. We go to a great, very highly regarded school and I wanted to believe that the situation would correct itself. Well, it didn’t. Day after day after day the teacher was relentless. (I know I’m speaking in vague terms here, but I don’t feel comfortable rehashing every single detail for the world to read.)

After just six weeks, Honey and I were so fearful for him that our entire family was barely functioning. The child with four years under his belt of being a bright, inquisitive and well behaved student that adored school was breaking down inside. He came off the school bus every single day in tears. He would lay just inside the front door in the foyer curled in a ball shaking and crying. He questioned his self-worth, his chances to succeed and ability to be liked, saying things like “I am not special.”, “I am dumb.”, “I am the worst kid at my school.”, and “I will never be good enough.” When his classmates nominated him for student council his teacher went so far as to say “he is too bad to be on student council,” (this about the child who has had not one.single.solitary behavior incident in school) crushing a little eight year old dream and shaming him at the same time. He lost interest in sports and friends and cried through homework every night. Again, I won’t go into the eight pages of documentation that I gathered in those weeks – but our son was systematically, publicly and intentionally verbally abused by his teacher.

And while I will be the first to admit that he can be talkative and silly, I cannot understand what was so loathsome about him that he was mistreated from the very first day of school. Truth be told, there is so much I can’t understand about those weeks – most of all how a teacher, or any human being for that matter, could be so terrible to a child in their care. We struggled through the first weeks of school, never once undermining his teacher’s authority or her ability as a teacher. We talked daily about how we all have to work with people that don’t like us. That you don’t go to school to be liked, but to learn. That no matter what you must listen, obey and do your best at school. Both Honey and I individually reached out to his teacher through multiple avenues (email, in person) to try to understand what he was doing in her classroom, but we were never given any specifics or any direction on how to resolve it. In fact, we were so wholly consumed with his down turn that I couldn’t eat or sleep – I lost 10 lbs in five weeks (that’s the awful secret to getting skinny, y’all). Honey got stress induced shingles and was out of work. And then came what was the worst night of my life as a parent thus far – I put my son to bed and said I love you. He was sobbing himself to sleep, as had become the case, and said “I don’t know how anyone could love a boy like me.”

At this point, Honey and I had been patiently pursuing a resolution from the office for three weeks and I cracked. I just demanded that he be moved. We were at the end of our rope. We were hopeless and helpless and had lost all faith in anyone resolving this but us. With absolutely zero fanfare, I was emailed a one-line sentence “he starts in Miss C’s class tomorrow.” That’s it. The last I ever heard of the situation or the story from anyone at the school. But, we got what we asked for and finally had a chance to start over with 3rd grade.

I cannot appropriately convey in words how grateful we were for that chance in Miss C’s class. I am typing through tears right now because it is still so raw. Seeing your child hurt and humiliated like that by an adult… a teacher… it’s unthinkable. Miss C welcomed our son into her class family, no questions asked. I am sure she was terrified of what was going to walk through her door that day, because our administration has a “policy” that they “don’t move kids no matter the circumstances.” I kept my mouth shut all.year.long. but every single day I prayed for Miss C – that she would see the good in our son, that she could build him back up and love him. And that she did! She loved him, she encouraged him to slow down and do his best, she challenged him, she offered him opportunities to succeed in her classroom, and she steered him in the right direction in the times when he became talkative and silly. She probably thought she was “doing her job”, but I truly believe she was saving him.

He ended third grade with cautious optimism. He continued to seek positive encouragement and reinforcement throughout the year, which was very different from the confident young man we had before August 4. It was the first time in his eight years on this Earth that he was exposed to the nasty side of human nature. On one hand, I am deeply saddened by that, but on the other I am so grateful that he had so many years of only knowing love. And while I can’t bear to look that first teacher in the face, he routinely says hello and offers a smile. I have personally witnessed it a few times and was just brought to my knees at his resilience and his heart of gold. I wish I could extend the kind of grace that he has.

So that, dear readers, is the ugly story of how my son started 3rd grade. We live in a small community and I was honestly quite torn at sharing this. I ultimately decided to do it because I want to remind all parents and guardians and those that love a little one that sometimes you have to fight for your kid. Parents of my generation are so often judged for the “good for nothing, have it all, everyone gets a trophy kind of kids” we are raising. And trust me, I struggle with this. We tried not to save him too quickly, we were determined not to. But as the weeks drug on, it became overly clear that at eight years old he was no match against an adult in a position of authority. He now knows that we WILL always have his back and stand by his side. He honestly could not believe that we got him moved. That we talked to the principal. That we “know” the principal, actually. We had extensive conversations about what we did with him, letting him know that NO PERSON is above reproach and that you never have to sit back and let someone treat you badly. On the flip side, we also talked about how our actions, intentional or not, can be devastating to others, as the case was here between student and teacher. We encouraged him to be an upstanding young man today and always. To treat others with respect, and to never abuse authority when you have it. To have courage and be kind.

CinderellaNotebook

 

On the bright side, Honey and I were overly cognizant of not “saving” him from anything else! No more Mommy emailing the teacher about anything. When he had a question or an incident, he begged us to intervene the first few times. We stood strong and we did not. We coached him on how to have conversations with Miss C about misunderstandings, and we taught him how to email her directly when he thought he was in trouble for passing a note in class (that said “Captain Crunch does crunchy farts”…) He handled his own problems, questions and inquiries with his teacher and we were extremely proud of him.

He loved Miss C dearly and will now say, without hesitation, that he loved third grade. He accomplished a lot and learned a lot more than what was in the school books. As the old adage goes, all is well that ends well.
xoxo

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64 thoughts on “Third Grade

  1. It sounds like you handled that (extremely horrifying and unfortunate) incident with grace and class. I commend you both for putting so much thought and care into how to properly handle the situation. Not only did you show your son that you support and will protect him, but you in the same situation taught him how to ask for help, how to handle conflict properly, and how to take responsibility for his own actions. I hope I am one day as great of a parent as the two of you are!

  2. Wow. I remember you posting about problems at school and I truly thought other kids were being mean to him. I never in a million years would have guessed the teacher! How awful. I have an eight year old son and can’t imagine a teacher treating him like that. Your blog is my favorite. I feel like I know all of your family in a way! And what a wonderful family you all are. I’m wishing John a great start to 4th grade.

  3. I have an eerily similar story to yours and I live in a different part of the country. My son is starting high school in the fall but the third grade remains our worst school experience. We did not have the benefit of switching to another teacher in our small private school, so our year was fraught with tension, and my father was very sick in the hospital. We have come through it stronger, and I , like you can barely look at the teacher, even in church. I am glad this episode is behind you, and it always helps to have a great support system. I read your blog, but this is the first time I have commented, it brought back so many memories. Thanks for sharing your life with us.

  4. Amanda, when i saw this post, I knew I had to respond. The treatment of your son and the experience you all had, right down to J’s comments about himself are an exact mirror image of the experience my son/we had with a teacher when my boy was in kindergarten. It was a horrible experience, and after a few months, we took him completely out of the private, christian school he was in, and started him in another school. He would come home crying, saying “I’m dumb” and other comments. When i read your post, I felt I was reliving our experience. I even thought…”oh my gosh, they found Ms. W.” It was a true nightmare, so much so that I fear she made it from our town in N.Ga to the ATL area. Please, tell J that there is a boy that is now 30 years old, that went thru the exact same horrible thing, who was and is a wonderful young man, loving, kind, successful, and J will be the same way. Good for you as parents, to put your foot down and demand a change for J. Shame on the school, for not addressing such horrible behavior from a teacher. It is the same as accepting, even condonning the behavior. Bless Ms. C’s heart for saving sweet J.

  5. Hi.I’ve been a reader of your blog for over a year. I am so glad you shared this post. Ironically,my daughter was in 3rd grade this past year and as well had a rough time. Again, a child all former teachers loved. She would come home crying and hating school. The twist in our situation is that both my husband and myself are teachers at her school. Needless to say it was a messy situation. Long story short I felt physically ill, couldn’t sleep, and constantly worried about it. Just like your son, my daughter would extend her teacher grace. For example, wanting to buy her teacher gifts for holidays.(Really the same teacher who makes you cry?) We finally got through the year and are looking forward to a much better 4th grade year! At the end of the day, we are moms and we are responsible for the adults put in their lives. I made waves with my principal over this situation which is so unlike me because I like to lay low. Regardless, I stood up for my daughter and at the end of the day it is that teacher’s loss for not opening up her heart to my incredible child. So sorry for what your family had to endure. Don’t question what you did for your son. We need educated,loving, and well meaning parents like you and your husband to question the qualities of teachers because if you are on the inside it’s a much harder battle to fight. No child should EVER feel that way about school. I pray for a wonderful 4th grade year for your family.

  6. I was in tears reading this. My heart was breaking for John. I too have a son who went thru a similar situation. We also encouraged him to work thru it and respect the authority. After all, she was a veteran teacher. Eventually, it became clear we had to step in. Now, I so wished I had listened to my instincts and acted earlier. I won’t apologize for being my sons advocate. If I’m not in his corner, who will be? A child is no match for a hateful teacher. Why, when it is so obvious that they dislike children, do they continue to teach?

  7. Thank you so much for being brave and for sharing this. My heart goes out to you and your family. While I was reading this post my heart was breaking for you… I can’t imagine watching my child go through this. What you did for John was amazing and will have a lasting impression on him of how much love your family has for each other. That is the rainbow after the storm. You are truly an amazing person and a fantastic mom!! Love your blog so much : )

  8. Girl, I remember emailing you at that time and thinking it was possibly bullying. But, I never thought it was a teacher. My brother had an awful teacher that was similar when he was in 2nd grade. She was actually removed from the class. It is heartbreaking to think that such a sweet boy was treated like this. Poor John. I can’t even imagine how you functioned at that time. I am so glad he went on to enjoy the year with a new teacher that helped him to flourish after a rough start. Thank you for sharing b/c it does help others when they have to deal with something similar! I’m sure 4th grade will be a great year for him.

  9. I am so sorry to hear about all the issues you went through last school year. As a mom of two myself you want the best possible school years for them. I had an experience with a teacher issue a few years ago, not as bad a yours but I have been there. Ours was resolved and so happy yours was as well! There is NO excuse for teacher bullying! I wish the best for your family this shool year!

  10. Well I got my morning cry out of this post! My heart aches for what your family went through but I am so glad that it turned into a positive year thanks to hard work and care from your family and the good teachers at school. It’s very hard when a child experiences his or her first run in with a bad person, especially an adult, but you turned this into a wonderful teaching experience in which he learned that while you should be respectful of authority, there is also a time to stand up for yourself or ask your family for help. It’s very telling of his upbringing that he was able to get through this experience and still treat that teacher with respect even if she doesn’t deserve it.

    I also think that you and Honey deciding that it was also time to take a step back from helping him with the smaller things is smart. You’re teaching him that you will always be there when he needs you but that he needs to handle the things he’s old enough to handle.

    I hope both of your children have a wonderful start to the school year! I can’t believe it’s almost time for Atlanta traffic to get back to horrible haha.

  11. Oh.My.Goodness (not exactly what I want to say)! This whole story is heartbreaking. That “teacher” should be removed from the classroom yesterday. He/she is an out and out bully!
    How many other children have been subjected to this tyranny? (Rhetorical question.) No other child should be treated in such a cruel manner.
    Parents of today are often accused of the “not my child” mentality indicating their child can do no wrong and are unwilling to accept that their child might have a flaw. You never took that stance. YOU ARE doing a GREAT job raising your sons.

  12. Oh my…..my heart goes out to you and your family!! I work in a middle school with learning support students and was with a teacher who did the same thing to a nice student. Every student has wonderful qualities and we as educators need to focus on those traits!!!It was so hard for me to see this student being treated the way he was……and can not imangine how you as a mother felt. You are your child’s best advocate and you did the right thing. I am sadden that schools do not address teachers who treat students this way. Hope John has a wonderful year……he will turn out to be an outstanding young man!!!!

  13. Reading this post just gave me knots in my stomach, I cannot imagine how you as a mother felt for those long weeks. I am so sorry your family had to go through this, but appreciate that you put this out there as a lesson to other moms. My children are younger, but its good to keep in mind that someday there may be the need to intervene on their behalf. It sounds like you handled a terrible situation with grace and dignity and that cannot have been easy. I pray that this year is much better!

  14. Oh my gosh. I was a pre-K teacher for 20 years. The first thing I offered each child was love. If a child feels unloved, uncomfortable, and nervous, they can’t learn. Love is the foundation. Our school also had signs everywhere regarding bullying. The word bully from a child or parent was a sign to involve the principal. Bullying is simply not tolerated. And to think his teacher was the bully! I redirected children who were silly and talkative(at age 4 and 5 most were.) they like to be helpers or May need exercise or breaks. I just know that this year will be great for your boys. Thank you for sharing.

  15. I have tears in my eyes that your poor baby went through this. I was a teacher for 8 years before being a stay-at-home mom to two boys, and cannot understand why this person would treat him like this. Boys will be boys (within reason in the classroom :) ) and unfortunately there are just some teachers (and people in general) that just don’t understand that. Sounds like this teacher needs to be out of the classroom. You coached him so well in this situation, and I applaud you for teaching him that there will be difficult people in life. As much as you hate your kid to go through this lesson, at least he learned it young and you were there to help him pick up the pieces. Y’all handled it a lot better then I’m sure my husband (also a teacher) and I would have…we probably wouldn’t have been as patient. It’s so glad to hear that he is liking school now and positive about it. Good luck when it starts again :)

  16. As the old saying goes, there are no good schools, only good teachers. I, too, wonder why this person chose to be an elementary school teacher. I’m glad Mrs. C’s class was a better experience, but I wonder: Who will be his target this school year? Why did the school take so long to act? I’m so glad you spoke up and fought for your son! Many would not be so brave or even bother!

  17. their is no excuse for a teacher to take her personal problems or her likes or dislikes on her students.we send our children to school to learn,how to act around other children and adults where they can be taught the right way how to learn away from home. a teacher is their to teach, not be the bully we are all afraid our children will have to deal with. i find some teachers try to be “friends”. children should see them as adults and teachers not another friend,I know your heart was broken for your child, but in the end he learned he was loved, not by everyone but buy those people he could count on…..the others are not important in his life.

  18. I’m so glad you shared this story. I remember reading about you all going through it last year and I never would have imagined the issue was with the teacher treating him so badly. I really wish that teacher wasn’t still at the school. I am SO sorry you all had to go through this and that John was so changed by it. Thankfully, you did what you had to, got him moved, and he ended up having a good year. Praying for him as he starts the new school year!

  19. Thank you for sharing this!! I had a teacher like this in 5th grade. He was awful and the only thing that got me through was knowing my parents had my back. You are such a good mama and I’m pretty sure I will be looking back on this post someday.

  20. Parents have to advocate for their child. We live in a great school district and I did not anticipate having to plead my child’s case in any elementary grade however I have had to do it multiple times. Good for you guys! Hoping this school year is fantastic!

  21. I’m so glad things worked out in the end. You and your husband did a fantastic job and John learned a hard lesson, but knows that his family will always be there for him (I know he already knew that!). We had a similar experience in preschool and I know how it feels to see your sweet child so upset and not want to look the teacher in the face. Our children are so amazing how they treat people with grace and forgiveness. It boggles my mind how children are like that and I only pray that I can learn more from them! On a side note, you might enjoy the book “Saintly Solutions to Life’s Common Problems” by Fr. Joseph Esper. It has a chapter for lots of common issues (anger, gossip, depression, illness, impatience…) and how saints dealt in similar situations. I can’t remember where I heard about the book, but I’ve found it helpful.

  22. As a first time mom-to-be, this was heart wrenching. I can’t imagine watching someone treat your child like that to a point where it started to change his personality. What a tribute to you and your husband as fantastic parents (taking notes over here!) in boosting him, helping him face his battles together, teaching him how to handle some on his own, and for raising your children in a home so obviously and clearly filled with love. Here’s to a great new start for 4th grade!

  23. Thank you for being so willing to share this. I had tears while reading what happened. I can’t even imagine the pain you all went through, especially John. You did everything right in such a horrible situation. Praying both your boys have a wonderful school year and that no child has to be at the receiving end of the verbal abuse from this teacher again.

  24. Dear Amanda- I am sorry that this terrible situation happened to your son and family. NO adult, especially a teacher, should ever treat a child that way. EVER.
    I never post comments on blogs or instagram, but I had to commend you on sharing so honestly.
    You are the sweetest person and your family is adorable. (And your blog is fabulous!)
    Best of luck and happiness to all of you.

    Lots of Lilly Love,
    S

  25. Amanda, John’s story hit home for me. I too had a horrible 3rd grade teacher, who did her best to make me feel bad about myself. (What is with all the 3rd grade horror stories?!) I was a hyperactive, talkative, probably very annoying student, but her behavior was rude and unprofessional and I remember it to this day (I am 37 now). I still detest that woman. John’s a better person than me, I still wouldn’t give her the time of day! Good for you and your husband for trying to make it work, but realizing it wasn’t an option when it reached a breaking point. And good for John for overcoming the challenge and moving on. Hopefully he’ll never have another teacher like that, and he now has skills to work with people who may treat him badly. Here’s to 4th grade being fabulous!

  26. Oh Amanda! I cannot imagine what you went through. How awful for all of you! I am so thankful it was resolved successfully and am praying that 4th grade is excellent for John! xo

  27. I have two sons who are successful recent college graduates. Sadly, both have encountered “ugly” educators in our top rated school district, too. Like you, I had to become involved at times after unsuccessfully coaching them through the situation on their own. I think the way you handled the situation was perfect and will help teach your son how to cope with the negative people he encounters in life. You’ll watch him get stronger and stand up confident and strong as he grows. As sad as it is to see our sweet children treated badly these experiences while under our wings really end up being a blessing.

  28. Thank you for sharing this and for being careful to still be respectful of all parties involved. What an example you are to your boys (and us other mamas) to treat others with kindness and grace and respect, always. Praying for an easier year for your boy and your family!

  29. Wow. Just wow. So glad you had a positive resolve with your situation. That could have been life-changing.forever. I still cannot believe the abusive teacher went without serious employment consequence.
    One of my daughters had a hard time at the beginning of middle school – 6th grade – in a new neighborhood – just after a divorce. After feigning illness 3 days in a row (while staying at her dad’s), I finally got her to talk – her locker buddy had a “Goth” appearance in apparel, and it made her feel uneasy sharing space with her. Easy fix – the vice-principal gave her her own locker. Whew. Sounds trite, but it was hard for her and ME. I can’t even imagine the pain you must have felt, even now. Good job, Mom & Dad!

  30. I am happy to hear you were able to resolve this situation with the school. As parents there are times we need to be our children’s advocate. You did the right thing in having your son moved out of that classroom. You will never know what was said to that teacher, the administrator, But there are some people who should not be in their chosen profession.
    I wish John a great year in 4th grade!

  31. This post made me cry. I had a similar situation with one of my daughters. It was awful! I had a bad feeling from the start, but with time it became much worse. The hard part she did not do this to the other kids so the other parents did not see it. Long story short, God made us the protectors of our children. After many prayers and tears God moved this teacher to another school. When I look back I feel like I should have intervened sooner, but thankfully God sent the best 2nd grade teacher that took her under her wings and showed her how an Awesome teacher can be. Trust your instinct it’s from God!

  32. This is such a sad story. I taught third grade for 14 years and I hope I never treated any of my children unfairly. As a teacher, I am horrified that this behavior occurred. As a parent, I am so glad you intervened. Bless your little boy as he starts fourth grade.

  33. Amanda, I am so sorry to hear about your son’s experience . I was also glad that your sweet boy was moved to another class. As a school counselor and psychometrist, I was saddened and angered to hear of how the first teacher treated your son and I am sure, others in the classroom. School is the place every child should feel safe and loved. It is a place which should foster creativity, a love of learning, compassion for others, and cultivate working relationships with others. A good teacher respects his or her students and creates a sense of belonging in the classroom. So sad this person is in the teaching profession. I too am thankful for Miss C and the model of a caring teacher that she was for your son. Wishing your family a wonderful 2015-2016 school year!
    Blessings from Lynda at Still Woods Farmhouse

  34. I follow A LOT of bloggers, but yours is my absolute favorite. Why? Because it is so apparent what a wonderful mother you are to your boys. I don’t have children but I am sure I could not have been half the mom you are. May God richly bless your family and watch over your family during this next school year and in the years to come!

  35. My daughters kindergarten experience was AWFUL! She would cry from the time she got home until the time she went to bed. She would start crying Sunday about having to go to school on Monday. She scratched her arms, it was a terrible time. I called the teacher many times, I wrote note after note to her asking if I could come observe to see if I could figure out what was causing her so much stress and she would say that wasn’t necessary. I felt like everyday I was dropping her off in a foreign country and didn’t have a passport to get in. It was a very cliquey school and the same parents were allowed in the classroom over and over, but never any of us whose kids (she wasn’t the only one) that were having issues. We somehow made it to the end of the year and took her out of that school, which was the most sought after in our district, and put her in private school. Private school was a whole new wonderful experience and the best choice we could have made. I am so glad the administration at least removed him from the class, ours was very dismissive. Some people aren’t meant to work with children.

  36. God bless you and John. No child or parent should have to experience this at school. Which should be a safe haven for each and every child. I ran this woman’s (cannot give her the respect of calling her a teacher) behavior by my colleagues and all agreed that she should be removed from the classroom. And I am very disappointed that the principal did not do her job of ensuring that the learning environment was fully in place in this classroom. And her lack of response to you as a parent with documented cause is dereliction of her duties. It appears that the principal was afraid to confront that teacher for some reason. A teacher’s first actions are to make their students feel safe and respected. Then they will be in an optimal learning mode. Both principal and teacher should have been seriously reprimanded for their behavior or lack of appropriate action. I would have even considered non-renewal. I
    don’t think a “plan for improvement” would help that teacher.
    Love, Marme

  37. I have so many things going through my mind after reading that but I am truly speechless as to how to reply. This absolutely breaks my heart. It breaks my heart for all of you. I think you and Honey did everything right in your actions. I remember you asking for prayers on this and I said many a prayer for y’all. I knew God would turn this around and it looks like he did. Hopefully John will grow from this horrible situation and it will make him stronger for it. I just hope this monster of a teacher doesn’t choose another innocent student to terrorize and put another family through the same heartbreak. I will pray for her as well but I will continue to pray for John and for your sweet family. God is good and I know John will have a much better school year to come. Thank you for sharing this story with us.

  38. This post made me cringe. What an awful experience for your son and you! I taught for more than 20 years and I don’t think any child would come off the bus day after day crying and curl up in a ball in the foyer without something horrendous happening at school. You were certainly justified in standing up for him. I think it is important to teach children to be respectful but also to teach them how to stick up for themselves when an incident calls for it. I hope this next school year will be a great one. I believe everything about us is rooted in childhood. Your boys will have good roots.

  39. This brought tears to my eyes, and brought back memories of a time my youngest was bullied. She was physically assaulted several times by another student in 6th grade. She was the victim, however we were told SHE would be the one that would have to move rooms!! Give up a beloved teacher and her friends!!! Say what?? We did for her safety. But lo and behold who should her classmate be the following year???!!! The same perpetrator!! I insisted HE be moved!!! John’s experience breaks my heart. My oldest is a teacher and I know she would be appalled!

  40. I remember personally a very bad year during 1st grade. I’m 36 now and still believe without a doubt the teacher just simply did not like me. The “straw” was when a little girl cheated off my math paper and I had no clue…but she humiliated, yelled and berated me. My momma wrote “the note” and told me I had permission to stand up for myself but always remaining respectful. I did…and never had another issue. I think this negative helped define me for the better. Hopefully it will do the same for your little guy.

  41. Same thing happened to my angelic gifted son in third grade. I actually witnessed him being harshly reprimanded in front of his class for sitting too close to the class bully. She loudly demanded “pick up your lunch tray and go sit on the other side of the lunch table with the girls! You know the rules!” And I thought the bully was the one who was supposed to be punished!
    Another time she was out for two months when her mother died and the substitute, a seasoned educator, challenged the kids with meaningful assignments, not busy work. I was a classroom volunteer. Well, upon return, his teacher “threw out” all the grades earned in her absence which lowered my sons grade a letter. I mean, he did the work. They all did. Crazy control freak! And there are so many more stories!
    You are not alone.

  42. I went through the same thing with my son. I refused to let a teacher break down my son. We were not going to allow “an adult” Take away the smile, happiness and respect from our son that we worked very hard to instill since the day he was born. I do not, and never will I, condone bad behavior at school, or anywhere for that matter. So why would we allow an adult to do it. Being bullied by another child is bad enough. When an adult does it, it starts to be believable. Bless his little heart for sticking it out and kudos for you for taking action and doing what is best for your sweet boy. Hoping this year his teacher will see what a great boy your little guy is.

  43. Dear Amanda and sweet family, May your school year ahead be a wonderful new start. John is blessed with such a loving family and we all must remember to pray for the little ones who are not as fortunate. As a former third grade teacher, I find this completely appalling. I believe there was extreme jealousy going on. She clearly has a problem with people being happier than her and must be held accountable for not being a good role model, being abusive and incapable of handling typical classroom situations. Does she have children of her own? If so, I would watch their behavior closely…they also may need outside support. Thanks to you and Honey, John learned more than she will ever be capable of teaching. God bless you all and may your hearts be light, knowing there are great teachers in the years ahead….and you have an army of followers on standby to help if they’re not! I love you all to pieces, as if I know you…and you are simply precious. Jane

  44. Bless you for sharing- I’m sure your story will help another family stand up and advocate for their child. A parent’s instincts are usually spot on.
    – Linda , ny

  45. My son was in a small Catholic school, where my older daughter had gone to school for years. It was his third grade year and it was beyond horrific also. My son was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression the summer ending that school year. His anxiety was so high, in the fall of third grade we had to put him on a low level anti-anxiety medication. His teacher had multiple letters from his counselor, meetings with administrators, and conferences with us. She continued daily to torment him. His second grade teacher tried to intervene on his behalf to no avail. We moved him to a new private school the next year and he had an outstanding year. He loves school now. His anxiety is nearly non existent now. I am a teacher in 2nd grade and it amazes me that a anyone in the profession would emotionally and verbally abuse children and that schools allow it to go on year after year. The best advice I was ever given was that all of our students are someone’s child that are loved by their parents as much as we love our own children. As teachers we are called to love them as our own and treat them how we want our own children treated.

  46. As a 4th grade teacher right down the road from you (as well as a momma) this breaks my heart. I am shocked to hear your principals stance on classes since this feels above and beyond to me but good for you and your family for doing what’s best for your child. Prayers for a great 4th grade year for John!!

  47. Thank you for using your forum to bring this issue to light. unfortunately this is not a rare issue but thank goodness it’s not common. Our family had a similar issue with my grandson last year. His Kindergarten year no less. He had previously been to a small private preschool for 3 years where he loved going and they loved him dearly. My daughter decided to put him in their neighborhood public elementary school (one with an excellent reputation). From day one his teacher took an instant dislike to him. I will be the first to admit he is not a “perfect” child but he is a very well behaved child usually and is what I would consider an average 5 year old boy in the active department. He is fairly bright, at least above average but it’s as though she never saw that in him. I have many, many friends who are teachers, school psychologists, guidance counselors and principals so we enlisted their advise. We documented issues and my daughter would ask for meetings occasionally to address questions. I won’t go into all of the sordid details but I will list a few that stand out.
    1. Even though he had long mastered his reading and spelling lists at home by numerous different people asking him, his teacher would never move him up saying that they weren’t mastered to her satisfaction.
    2. There was a color chart for behavior (7 levels) and he constantly would have one of the lower ones which is unusual for him. When he was questioned as to why it was changed he was never quite sure. Sometimes it was not walking straight enough in line, finishing is work to quickly (even though it was correct) because she asked them to take his time. Answering the question without raising his hand. Swinging his lunchbox “a little” to high in the line going to lunch. Not singing during a class song. Crying after the teacher told him to stop when he feel in the class.

    We realize that class rules are to be followed but this is kindergarten during the first two weeks so I believe a little grace and reminder of the rules would of been more appropriate.

    It only took a few weeks of this before he began to hate school. He would say everyday that the teacher didn’t like him. He hated going. My daughter tried hard to work with the teacher on strategies but when my daughter told her after a few months that her son believed that the teacher didn’t like him she told my daughter that “Well, I don’t think your son likes me either” . He became obsessed with the behavior chart studying all of the things the other children were doing to be good behavior colors and he would do those things and she told him that that was what they did for good colors but he would have to have an original behavior that she thought he should deserve a good color and not copy what someone else was doing. I can’t tell you how long he concentrated on what an original behavior was. It finally came to a head when my daughter asked for a meeting with the vice principal and the teacher. When she arrived the school psychologist was there also. The psychologist had come up with a plan for him to attend a group session for children who have a hard time socializing. My daughter was surprised. We had never seen any behavior that would call for this. My daughter asked if he was having any issues with other children, extended day or other special teachers (ie: pe, music or art) and they determined the answer to be no). Then his teacher spoke up and said it was only a matter of time and besides the way he looked at her made her nervous. With that the vice principal asked My daughter if she would be opposed to trying a new teacher at which she quickly agreed. This is unusual for their school to change teachers also. They moved him the next day around Thanksgiving and I happy to report that not only did he have no further issues, one the first day he passed all the reading word and spelling list that his previous teacher had held him back on. After a month or so he was back to his original self and we are happy to report the made it the rest of the year at the top of the color behavior chart with the exception of a few days and was at the very top of his class. We’ll take that. We were sorry we took so long but at the time we felt strong about not setting a precedent about “rescuing” him at school without thing to work with the teacher. Thanks again for encouraging moms to listen to their heart and advocate for their child when necessary.

  48. This post breaks my heart for you and John all over again. I want your readers who don’t have the pleasure of personally knowing you know that I can speak first hand knowing what a wonderful, respectful, fun-loving, sensitive, smart and caring child John is. This situation was inexcusable on the part of the teacher and the principal and Amanda, you guys absolutely did the right thing by sticking up for him. I’m so thankful you have your happy, social, active, confident boy back and hope and pray that 4th grade will be his best yet! I also hope and pray that Colin never encounters such a pitiful excuse for a “teacher” but I hope if the situation ever does arise that I will handle it with such grace and love and make it a teachable moment like you did. You are a GREAT mom and the boys are so lucky to have you and “Honey” as their role models and advocates! Love and hugs, Bestie S

  49. This breaks my heart! My son struggled in a small Catholic school across the country from you. The heartbreak is unbearable as a parent. We got my son moved to another room also and I can’t tell you what a difference it made! Now headed into junior year in high school I still wonder if the damage done in that horrible year can ever fully be undone- I don’t think we moved as quickly as we should.

    I applaud you for being such an advocate for your child. God bless you, your husband, Ms C and especially John!

  50. Amanda,
    I am a follower of your blog and when this was happening wanted to share my story as well. My son had a similar experience in First Grade. As a previous educator (before I had littles) I wanted to let my son “work it out” and lay low. I did not want to be the typical “helicopter parent”. I too lost sleep (wish I lost weight;) and was sick with worry. I saw my happy child turn into a frightened, anxious, fearful boy. I cried myself to sleep and it impacted our whole family. I won’t go into the emails and details of how this teacher denigrated my son and broke him down. However, he NEVER had behavior problems, was always kind, happy and liked and was simply “the one” picked on by this teacher. In any event, I had had enough and after winter break spoke to the principal who intervened. My son got through the rest of the year, but there is no doubt that it took a big hit on his self-esteem and self-worth. He is now going into 8th grade and loves school, but to this day has very real and raw feelings about that year. Like you, we used it as a teaching lesson, but man alive it was one of the worst experiences our family encountered. Not that it matters, but we found out after the fact that this teacher had postpartum issues (although this should have been dealt with by administration) during the year and was not). I could go on and on, but just wanted you to know you are not alone;) Somehow, some way we get through, but when you are in throws of it, it is just awful.
    Here’s to a great 4th grade!
    Best,
    Marley

  51. You were correct to intervene. Most teachers are amazing, but like all people in all walks of life, there are those that should not be influencing children’s lives. Abuse is abuse…period. So never feel as if you did something wrong. It is just unfortunate that this human being still has access to other children. Hugs.

  52. I, too, am so sorry to hear about your son’s terrible experience. While not nearly as dramatic, my son had his own issues with one teacher in particular (in 8th grade), and we are also in a very highly regarded school system in Birmingham. I’ve only skimmed through the comments, but the one issue I haven’t seen addressed is the tenure system which invariably allows these terrible teachers to keep their jobs. Yes, there are many wonderful teachers who work hard regardless of having tenure or not, and they are definitely the norm. However, a school essentially has no real way of dealing with teachers who continue to perform poorly or are downright mean when they are guaranteed of a job anyway.

  53. Amanda, Thank you so much for sharing this story. I’m so sorry for your family to have experienced such a difficult situation, and so glad to hear that it was eventually resolved. As an elementary teacher and reading tutor myself, I am amazed every time I hear of a teacher behaving this way. Why on earth would you put yourself in this job, if not to encourage and build up young souls?? And as a mama, whose child attends the same school your little ones do, I’m appalled to hear this kind of thing is permitted. I noticed Marme’s comment and fully agree with her. Thank you for giving me a good reminder that despite the fact our school is highly regarded, and even though we have been blessed with stellar teachers each year so far, I must continue to be present, ask thoughtful questions, and continually advocate on my children’s behalf. It makes me very sad that after even a small amount of documentation (excellent idea, I do that each year regardless of how things are going!) some action was not taken. I’ll be lifting up your littles and all the members of our school’s community in prayer as they begin a new year!

  54. I’m so glad that you stood up for John! He is precious and didn’t deserve that. Here’s to a great new start for 4th grade!

    A slim positive note is that he is now better equipped for the future on how to spot people like her and effectively handle them. It is a testament to his kind nature that he is still able to be cordial to her. That will serve him will in his professional life.

    I do want to ask, will that abusive teacher be teaching at his school this year?

  55. Hi Amanda, we had a similar devastating school yr as my son was bullied by his 4th gr teacher in small private catholic sch. You’ve put into words many of the feelings/effects we’ve experienced & I thank you for publishing your story. Our meetings with the counselor, principal & teacher resulted with the blame being shifted to my son. They wanted us to have him tested for various behavior problems & our son had never had 1 single negative report from all previous teachers! Because the principal was a bad apple as well, we’ve moved to a small community public school this yr. The crying, anxiety, debilitating bellyaches, self loathing, sleeplessness, increased need to urinate 4-5 times per hour have resolved. I actually hear my son giggle & laugh again! Such a simple thing that makes me tear up!
    I don’t know about your other son, but my younger daughter was even impacted as we let her fall behind in reading and her self esteem became effected. So the effects of bullying have far reaching ripples not just on students and their parents but on siblings as well.
    But I am happy to report that we are blessed to have our kids back to being happy, healthy & even loving school again!
    PS 40% of my son’s class moved to different schools, yet this teacher is still teaching there, just moved to different grade. I am hearing its common to move these teachers around instead of getting rid of them.

  56. Amanda,
    Thanks for sharing this. My heart aches for what you all have had to endure. I give you immense credit for both having him moved and for helping him to handle his own issues after the move. Your actions show your parental love and wisdom. May 4th grade be a wonderful growth experience for him. God bless you all, Carol

  57. Hi Amanda. Thank you for sharing your family’s very personal struggle. And thank you for writing about a very hurtful incident with class and dignity. I’m an educator (from Texas) and mom of three boys (9, 13 and 16). Unfortunately there are professionals in education just like any other position that do not do justice to their profession. I am so glad that you and your husband were persistent. It is so horribly sad to hear what happened to your precious son. An educator like that should not be in the classroom and the administrator should have been more proactive. I hope and pray that your children will have a new school year filled with knowledge, laughter, encouragement and wonder. But I’m sure if it’s not that you are empowered to take charge. I know this may sound crazy but I hope in some way you can keep a watchful eye on that teacher because I won’t be surprised if she targets another child. God puts us in situations for a reason and though your’s was definitely not wanted he knew you would make a difference. I wish you peace and happiness as the new school year approaches.
    Sincerely,
    Mary

  58. amanda- love your blog and your honesty. i’m so glad your child was able to end his year on a good note. i also had teachers who would consistently make me cry and i acted like john as well-i would be terrified to go to school and cry everyday. (and i went to one of the top schools in the country) they would fail me and when i would ask for help they would yell at me and make me cry. it was awful! i didn’t see anything to my parents and when i did they just didnt think i wasnt trying enough. your son is so lucky that he was able to transfer and that youre so understand and loving to him! sometimes i wonder if i was able to transfer, how much happier i would have been. you and your husband are such good parents. hoping you guys have a much better school year this year! lots of love!

  59. I’m so sorry for what you and John had to go through last year. Every year of school is precious, and it’s just a shame that so much of his third grade year was fraught with tension and tears. Sounds like you and your husband were wonderful advocates for him, and you were even able to teach life lessons through this. So bravo. On another note, I wanted to let you know of a book series I thought you might enjoy, Low Country Summer Trilogy by Mary Alice Monroe. While it’s set near Charleston, not Savannah, it’s full of low country and deep south atmosphere and might be good late summer reading for you. Love your blog, and love the changes!! Have a great day!!

  60. I’m so sorry to hear this. I wish you got a better resolution than moving your son to a different class. I hope his former teacher was dealt with appropriately.

  61. I love your blog and really appreciate your willingness to share your story. As a teacher and a mom, I am humbled and grateful. Most educators are driven by a calling to teach and inspire, but every teacher needs to remember how much power and influence we can have from our seat of authority over young children. How I hope and pray that I have not personally caused one moment of sadness or self doubt for a single student of mine. I am very thankful you were able to advocate for your son and lead him through the whole experience in a way that allows him to move forward and to be better and stronger for it. Teachers have such an important responsibility to encourage and nurture the tender little people who sit before us every day. For myself, thank you for giving me the opportunity to read your story and carry it forward as a cautionary reminder in my own classroom. Blessings on your family and I truly hope the year ahead is wonderful for your boys!

  62. Amanda – thank you for posting this. It can feel very lonely when you feel like you are the only one facing this issue.bI am so saddened that your family had to face this situation. My mom, too, was a teacher & I reached out to her for guidance when my son Encountered a very very similar situation last year – his 4th grade year.
    We had a meeting with the principal & both teachers (there were only two at the small Christian private school where my children attend.) within the first two weeks of school. My son was miserable, had a constant stomach ache, & felt terribly about himself saying he was ‘stupid’ & more. My son does take medication for ADHD so we tried switching medicines thinking that was the problem but by December something happened that was the straw that broke. We decided to home school him bc switching teachers was not an option. I was terrified but my husband was instant that we make the switch. I am a former professional with advanced degrees but teaching is an entirely different thing.

    Listening to that push from God was absolutely the best thing for our family. My son thanked me for homeschooling him 5-10 times a day that first week & continues to thank me. He can move quickly without having to wait on the rest of the class & is thriving. While we are taking this one year at a time, this has been a wonderful move for him. Harder for me with much less ‘other stuff’ time but then much more important for our family. He attends class one day a week through Veritas & loves it and the teacher is so patient & kind as well.

    I will keep you, honey & john in my prayers as he starts 4th grade this year. I can imagine you are all a little nervous. Praise the Lord last year ended well and hopefully his 3rd grade teacher had some input on a good 4th grade fit for him.

    Thanks again for sharing.

  63. I am so sorry that y’all had to go through that last school year. Just from reading your blog, it is so apparent how much you love your boys and how great a mom you are- and knowing that y’all had to deal with something like that makes me so sad for you. I also can’t understand how someone who is charged with educating kids and creating a safe space for them would ever think it is ok to talk to a child that way.

    I hope that this year is 100 times better!!!

  64. Amanda, I check in on your blog every day and love it and love hearing about your sweet family and your lovely home. When I first read about the possible problems with your son, I had a feeling it was something like this. My oldest son just graduated from high school but when he was in fourth grade, the same thing happened to him, from a male P.E. teacher and football coach, who used to humiliate him in front of others. We live in a small town, are a very well thought of family, relocated back here after my husband and their father passed away, but unfortunately a lot of the teachers are now men and women who have moved to this town from other areas and don’t know my family and we don’t know them. My son and his brother are straight A students, are very popular students and like John, have NEVER had any behavior problems at school! This teacher had a control and power issue and unfortunately, took it out on my son and I found out later, on a few others. I guess he would pick on one out of each class! But, when I went to the principal, she refused to back us up as she did not want any complaints about any of her teachers while on her tenure!! The only way she would have a discussion was in front of my son AND the P.E. teacher. I told her my son would be too intimidated to discuss this in front of him. Long story short, I very emphatically informed her that if I heard any more complaints from my son, I would be going to the school board. And then I told everyone who would stand around long enough to listen. Interestingly, the P.E. teacher resigned at the end of the year and moved out of town and actually, from that incident on, I could never be civil to that principal nor look her in the eye when she would try to greet me. I also teach my sons that there are people out there whom are disagreeable and we have to find ways to get along with them, but on the other hand, they do not have to put up with people who try to humiliate them or shame them! That year just crushed me and I’ve been on the lookout for that type of behavior ever since and it really affected my son! This same son, at the awards night recently the night before graduation, was awarded the top award for the young men, which was about character and discipline and etc. He also earned the Most Distinguished Athlete Award, Top Track Athlete Award, and a host of scholarships! Also, just a warning however; my youngest son is a really good athlete and student, and there are some coaches and teachers (and parents!) who have treated him similarly in incidents where they actually act threatened or jealous but we’ve discussed it about how to just ignore it and continue to do what’s right unless it get’s really bad. I have had to step in twice and handle a couple of incidents! Amazing and shameful how adults can act! AND there are some teachers who should NOT be teaching!! Thankfully, my sons have been raised in church and are very forgiving!!

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