Waking up on November 22 is always heart wrenching. It was on this day, six short years ago, that I delivered, held and fell in love with our stillborn son Matthew. I had a long, gruesome and painful labor and delivery, we held him for an hour, and then we went home. Without him. I laid in bed and cried for three days straight. I had all of the usual postpartum symptoms. But the nursery next door was empty.
And then, four desolate days later, I got out of bed, got dressed and tiptoed into John’s room. I watched him sleep – a sight more perfect than I ever could have imagined before becoming a mommy – so that I could be the first one to see him wake on his second birthday. I will always, always credit that sweet, precious child, for saving a part of me that might have been lost forever. If I didn’t have him to wake up to that day, I’m not sure that I could have. Or would have.
Just one year later, after a tumultuous and grief riddled pregnancy, we welcomed darling Whit into our lives. Another immense blessing, and a son we might have never known had we not lost Matthew.
I walk every day with the loss of my little one lingering in the corners of my mind, and it is that exact sorrow that has brought me so much joy. I know how precious life is. I know what a miracle life is. And I celebrate it every.single.day with the two children I am lucky enough to have with me here on earth. Yes, we go over the top and sure, sometimes we are just plain out of control. But if I don’t fill their days with love and joy and fun and laughter, who will? It was what I was put here to do.
My cup runneth over.
xoxo
I did not know of Matthew. My gosh. You are so kind to share. Readers who have had something similar will particularly appreciate you sharing such a sadness one may thing she'll never climb out of.
I appreciate it. Your blog and coffee is how I like to start my day!
Thanks
Today is my daughter's birthday and I can so relate to you. I lost a child at birth before I was blessed with her. There is always a hole in my heart, but like you I have her and two beautiful sons that have made my life the most beautiful it could ever be. God Bless you, Hugs, marty
Thinking of you. xoxo
Thinking of you today Amanda…prays going up for peace and comfort. Your story of the loss of Matthew really touched my heart.
Thank you for this post. We have had a lot of heartache & grief in our family for the past few years, & the holidays are especially hard now. My sweet 3 yr old daughter has kept me going, and I love what you said about how if you don't fill their lives with joy & laughter, who will? It inspires me to celebrate more for her, because she has often been our only ray of light amidst a lot of darkness. She deserves to be surrounded by happiness. So thank you again !
Prayers and love for you and Matthew.
Thank you for sharing your story with us and reminding us how precious our little lives are. I remember last Thanksgiving reading your post about Matthew and it was 4 days before I gave birth to my second son, I was a mess reading it. This puts everything into perspective, thank you.
What a wonderful post. Children have a way of healing hearts and hurts that no one else can. My own two children have filled me with a strength I never knew I had. They are all little angels.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Julia from SC
Thinking of you today.
Tearing up as I read your post today. Such a hard thing to go through in life, very sorry for your loss of Matthew. Prayers for you today.
What a beautiful post. Your angel is in a safe, wonderful place. Love, Marme
Prayers for you & your sweet family today. What a special angel you have watching over you…
Wow, your words touched my heart this morning. I am stealing your words for my journal…"But if I don’t fill their days with love and joy and fun and laughter, who will? It was what I was put here to do." I love this. It will make a difference in the way I treat my 3 children today and everyday. Thank you for sharing. I follow you everyday, but I am so glad that I read this today. I really needed this!
Amanda,
I am so sorry for the loss of Matthew. I can not say that I have experienced that but having three children, I couldn't imagine the pain and sorrow that you have. We can see the joy, love and appreciation that you have for your boys everyday and because you share your life, loss and celebrations you have inspired me to be a better mom.
Thank you.
Nicole
Thinking of you today & sending prayers for you!
Through tears, I wanted to say that you are not over the top. You are full of love and joy, and that is reflected in the eyes and smiles of your children. You are giving them the strongest sense of love and foundation ever. Building traditions and memories is the most important thing in the world.
Your in my thoughts today. Hugs.
Amanda, praying for you and the family today. Matthew surely is an angel. One that was here just a short time, but long enough to touch your lives and hearts forever. He certainly made an impact on the mother you are to his brothers, and I know he is smiling down on you today saying, "way to go Mom!" Hugs my friend.
Thank you so much for sharing. Life is precious and it's so important to treat it as such. Love reading your blog everyday.
Marti
Oh my goodness, I had no idea – thank you for sharing. The loss of a child has to be the worst thing imaginable, but you are a testament to the power of the human spirit. What beautiful children you have! God bless all of you.
so beautifully written. simple and extremely heartfelt. love you !katy danos
Wow. Thanks for sharing. Children are such a blessing and both of yours are precious.
As always, thank you for sharing your life with us all. You are such an inspiration and the way you choose to live your life in such a positive and loving way, inspires me personally. I had a friend loose a baby a few months ago in the same manner you did. I thought of you through that time and I hope my friend can share her story with others one day as beautifully as you do. Hugs to you and your family today.
Thinking of you daily and especially today! I, like many others I see, had no idea about your angel baby Matthew. What you just wrote was simply beautiful!
I had to smile reading your post. I lost twins, Henry and Harris. I, too consider them my little angels. On their brick it simply states, Henry and Harris…Fly High. I like to think they are up their playing with your little Matthew. I absolutely love reading your blog and have gotten so many great ideas. Thanks for sharing your family with us.
Thinking of you today.
Matthew is certainly smiling down on his Mommy today and everyday and thrilling in the antics of his brothers.
You really amaze me….I love hearing of your "over the top," as you put it, things you do for your children. I love it and I enjoy your blog. Praying for a love fulfilled day for you today! Blessings, Debbie
Thank you for sharing….thinking of you today!
Very special post…thank you!
what a beautiful post- thank you!
I hope you feel the love and support from your blogging community as we all know your loving family is supporting you all today. You are in my prayers.
So Sorry for your loss.
So beautiful! You are such an amazing mama. Before I knew about Matthew, I would think "how does she do it all?" But then I read your post about him a year ago and realized it's not about how but why. You're such an inspiration. I cannot imagine going through that, it makes my heart hurt. xo
what a lovely post.
God bless you and your family, Amanda. You are a beautiful example of applying one's faith to accept God's plan and keep moving forward. As we pause to send our love, we know that you send it right back to us for our own losses. That is the gift your blog brings. Thank you for the joy you bring to the world. You never have to make excuses for being out of control because you transport us to a magical place and you deserve every happiness your heart and home can hold. God bless you and your readers today and always. Sincerely, Jane ~ San Diego
Thank you for sharing your life with us Amanda. Your honesty is one of the reasons why I read your blog every day (the only blog I read). I too lost a baby boy in Atlanta in March of 2005, William Everett. We were lucky enough to have a two – year – old boy at home and welcomed a healthy baby girl a year-and-a – half later, also at Northside Hospital. We are fortunate to know just how precious life is and that's why I also celebrate every possible moment (probably too much). Big hugs to you today.
I didn't know this about you and if I didn't respect you and look up to you enough already I now do more! (weird not knowing you but you were the first blog I started reading!) Thanks for sharing and have a fabulous weekend with your FAMILY!!
xoxo Jess
I have really loved reading your blog because of your humor and your love for your family. I am so sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing.
You said it sister.
I remember you sharing this story last year and I was just thinking of you this morning. Much love and comfort to you today and always. You are an incredible woman, and your family is so blessed to have you loving and guiding them. Blessings to you all.
I love reading about your love for your precious family. I suffered with 5 miscarriages and have a beautiful adopted daughter. The joy she brings outweighs the sadness everyday.
I tear up today as I read your post, just like I did a year ago when you first shared your sorrow with us about how painful Thanksgiving is or was. You are one strong, beautiful, and loving daughter, wife, and mother. You give your best and more to those two young boys that God has entrusted to you and your husband. I am grateful that God placed those two precious boys into your hand. No one could love and take care of them more. Thank you for sharing and know that you are loved by many and we all send you hugs today!
Tears in my eyes and a blessing for you in my heart.
Thinking of you and praying for your sweet family as you face another Nov. 22nd. Love to you and your boys!
I share your pain…20 years ago we lost our son Jacob…after a long labor and a quick c-section..he lived about an hour during which I never got to hold him…time dulls the pain but never takes it fully away…I live knowing that our next son, Blake, was destined to be here…because without our Jacob's passing we may never have known Blake – my daughter was what got me through each day – blessings to you and your family
I still remember every single word of our conversation when you told me. Remind me to tell you about something that happened at chuck e cheese on jay's bday that I always meant to tell you! xoxo
I am thinking of you today. Through the years I have gotten to "know" you, I have admired the way you do not hold back – in your writing and with your family. I think we all need to be "over the top" with our children a little more! Life really is precious and your beautiful post is such a reminder of that. Take care, hug those littles today and know that you are an inspiration to so many people. Hugs, Shelley
This family has walked your path and it is one that our minds trod often-the what ifs-the whys. God bless you and your two precious, precious boys- xo Diana
You are an example of how to live life to the fullest and not let tragedy get the best of you. What a strong woman you are even if you don't feel strong on this day.
Love you and thinking about you today! I still vividly remember that phone call from you and remember exactly what I was doing when you called and the details of the thoughts you had the night before that doc visit. My heart aches recalling that imense pain and loss you experienced. You have handled the healing process with such grace and dignity, while still being real about it all. You are an inspiration to many! Love you! xoxo
Amanda – I can't imagine the pain and feel so grateful to you for sharing it. With its telling, I am even more in awe of you and the fact that you open your life and your home to your readers. Thank you! God bless you and your boys (all three) and your hubby, too! Will be keeping y'all in my prayers today…
You have been an angel for me. I wouldn't have been able to get out of bed the day after we lost our Cooper if it had not been for you sharing your heart. We forever carry it in our hearts. Thinking of you! Always. xoxo
Thinking of you today, sending a Huge hug.
"Children are the anchors that hold a mother to life" Sophocles
What a sweet, sweet, touching post! You are an inspiration to many.
I remember your son from your post last year Amanda and you honor his memory so beautifully. One thought I've always had about heaven is that there is no sense of time there, and though you have many years here on earth to wait to see him again, when someday far in the future you are rejoined, it will be just a minute to him.
God blessings to you and your family this Thanksgiving.
Beautifully written!
Amanda,
So sorry for your loss. I admire everything you do and always wondered how you do it all so perfectly. I read about your precious son a year ago and it really hit me that you are trying your best to make your children's life the best you can. When you go through great loss you strive harder because you want tomorrow to be better then today. It makes a lot of sense. I'm sure you think of him each day,but just remember one day you will see him again. Big hugs to you
I remember all of it like it was yesterday. You were given an angel to watch over your family. Love and miss you! xo
This is such a poignant post. I was aware of your loss, however, this makes his memory very special. I am so very sorry! I haven't lost a child, however, losing my 15 year old granddaughter in June has been so profound, I can only imagine your grief.
My heart goes out to you! I think you & your husband are amazing parents ~ just love all the things you do for and with your boys. You're making beautiful memories that will last forever!
xo
Pat
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Many prayers that you continue to heal. Your love for your boys shine through and I know your angel is smiling down on you from heaven.
I've been thinking about you this week, Amanda. <3