Matthew

Nine years ago today was Thanksgiving Day in 2007.  I delivered my second son, Matthew, at Emory Hospital in Atlanta.  He was so tiny and so incredibly perfect and so wholly loved.  I held him for hours after he was born, trying  to ingrain every single feature of his little face, his perfect hands, his ten tiny toes in my memory forever.  My son was stillborn.

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When I came home from the hospital with all physical after-effects of having a newborn, but an empty nursery in the room next door, I was so alone – emotionally anguished and physically exhausted.  Just three days later Honey had to remind me that the very next day was John’s birthday.  Again, I felt overcome with inadequacy that not only could I not safely carry and deliver my own child, but I had been neglecting the one I was so tremendously blessed to have.  I looked in the mirror at a sad, tired woman and I promised myself and my husband and BOTH of my sons, John and Matthew, that I would not ever take them for granted.  And so I got out of bed, lit up the house with the Christmas decorations I had put in place the week before, and loved and celebrated a two year old John.

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Against the advise of all of my doctors, I became pregnant with Whit four months later.  In losing Matthew, and with his autopsy and extensive testing by many specialists, I learned that I have a blood clotting disorder.  The fact that I had safely delivered John was nothing short of a miracle.  I was treated during my pregnancy with Whit, but still had pretty heavy odds of the same thing happening with him… or a slew of other things than can go wrong with blood thinners.

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His pregnancy was hard and riddled with fear and shortcomings.  There were multiple scares along the way.  But 13 months after Matthew came Whit.  The child I prayed for more than anything I’ve ever prayed for in my entire life.  He was incredibly perfect.  And he helped patch a hole in my heart.

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Every year on November 22 I light up the house with Christmas.  Nine years ago doing this was one tiny bright spot in a sea of dark.  And so it has become tradition on Matthew’s birthday.  I sit here now in the twinkling light of my Christmas tree and with my favorite hymns playing in the background and I realize that my sadness over the loss of Matthew has turned to gratefulness.  His short little life so incredibly changed the way I live and parent. I am SO blessed to have my boys, I am SO humbled to be their mother, and I try SO hard to show them every single minute of every single day how much I love them.  We really have such a short time with ALL of our children in the grand scheme of life and I never want to look back on these days with regret.

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I want all of you that have lost a little one to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers today and that I am always here should you need a friend that’s been there.  I find solace in knowing that while Matthew lived an incredibly short life, it was one filled wholly with love, joy, wonder and adoration.  He never hurt, never wanted, never knew meanness or anger. And, until we meet again, I will spend my time trying to fill the days of the two little ones I was able to bring home with smiles, laughter, and unconditional love.

My cup runneth over.

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DIXIE DELIGHTS DELIVERED

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45 thoughts on “Matthew

  1. I’ve read your story each year for several years and every year it still brings tears to my eyes. Your positive outlook on life reminds me each day to look for the good and enjoy the moments. Thank you!

  2. You are precious (and your willingness to share your story of your precious Matthew, always resonates with me). Although I’ve not experienced the same thing, I did experience a high risk pregnancy after three years of trying and giving up countless times. I too, am humbled by the blessing of being called to parent my little and have found that our journey to bring him here safely not only made me acutely aware of how many ways things could have gone and didn’t but how I am determined to make each moment count. I emailed you some years ago, when I first stared trying and was putting together a nursery with some questions and you were kind enough to respond (although, I now know as a Mom how scant time can be — so really you were taking the time to respond which means all the more to me now). Your were sweet enough to share this bit of advice as it related to parenting — “And, as mine get older, I see the years going by faster – one of my favorite sayings is “the days are long but the years are short”. I try really really hard to end every day on a good note – regardless of what mischief might have occurred earlier.” — I put this advice to use EVERY. SINGLE. DAY ! Thanks sweet girl ! I continue to enjoy watching you and your family grow and change (and continue to be thankful you still blog and share it all).

    Hugs !
    Heather

  3. Tears for you, Amanda! Tears of sadness and of Joy for what you have and the blessings you have made of it all. Thank you for sharing your life with us all. You live with true meaning and it rubs off on others :) Happy Thanksgiving!

  4. Oh Amanda, I am so moved by your experience. I don’t have words that are adequate, but you are so inspiring, and have taken that experience and made something so amazing from it with your family in Matthew’s memory and honor. He must be smiling down from Heaven. My very healthy and athletic 16 year old daughter just got diagnosed with a blood clotting disorder, and while we wade through months of twice a day injections of blood thinners, she has realized that having children will not be something she goes into without a lot of thought and decision making, and has been heartbroken about the possibilities. Reading about your experience has helped me so much as I try to be there for her, and will inspire and encourage her when I share it with her. Hugs, thoughts and prayers:-)

  5. Your outlook on life is absolutely wonderful! I love reading your blog! Have a Happy Thanksgiving and I hope we run into each other some day in Disney!!!

  6. Amanda, you are an inspiration. After having experienced a sudden death of a loved one, I realized I could become bitter and sad or realize each day is a blessing not to be taken for granted. I can see from your amazing blog that you’ve decided to celebrate every day as a way to honor your sweet Matthew. Peace to you.

  7. Amanda, you are an inspiration. After having experienced a sudden death of a loved one, I realized I could become bitter and sad or realize each day is a blessing not to be taken for granted. I can see from your amazing blog that you’ve decided to celebrate every day as a way to honor your sweet Matthew. Peace to you.

  8. Thank you for sharing about your precious Matthew! I am always so touched by these post. You really do inspire me to be a better mother! Hope you and your family have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

  9. Thank you for opening your heart to us. The loss of a child is incredible. We are truly blessed to have children that are healthy and full of love. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

  10. I am always so moved when you tell Matthew’s story. I can’t imagine how hard that loss was for you and your husband! Praying you have a grace-filled day today and a wonderful Thanksgiving.

  11. Amanda, THANK YOU for this beautiful witness to the preciousness of life and the hope of our Faith a Heaven! My son, Luke, (the only boy among five daughters), was born into Eternal life on the Feast of the Holy Innocents (Dec. 28th…but you probably know that :) .
    May the beauty, magic, and blessings of Christmas surround you and your precious family…
    ((hugs))
    P.S. We’re finally getting back to Disney in June and will be stopping briefly in Georgia…would love to meet up for a latte (or Coke or sweet tea ;)

  12. I am so touched by your inspiring attitude in the face of such loss. What a wonderful testimony for others going through the same thing. Praying for you and your family.

  13. Amanda,
    I am always deeply touched by your stories of Matthew. Your heart is so beautiful. I cry every time.

    I miscarried my first pregnancy 27 years ago this coming February. It was so painful as I will always remember my nurse saying, “it’s a good thing you got pregnant because I don’t know how you did”. We had just received the results of infertility testing we had started. Little did she realize that less than three weeks later I would loose the baby.

    Like you I was told to wait to get pregnant but I was already almost 37 so we didn’t listen.
    I got pregnant a few months later and my first born Andrew was born February 16 the following year. He was the gift that helped me heal…Andrew’s due date was the one year anniversary of my miscarriage.

    Like you I have two sons and love them both to pieces. Stephen came along almost four years later another miracle that no one expected.

    You are right the time we have raising our family is very short. Both of my kids are now in grad school out of state…I get to collect hugs on Thanksgiving. Can’t wait. Oldest married now and we love his bride beyond words can describe.

    Miss the daily rigor of being mommy even at the ripe age of 64:) But I cherish every single day that our lives were blessed with amazing sons who are healthy and vibrant and following their passion.

    Wishing you and all those special people in your life a wonderful Thanksgiving!

    Hugs…

  14. God Bless you, I lost my first, so I know what a blessing it is to have the children we did bring home. Today is my daughters birthday, such a blessing and today is also a grandson’s birthday, so I am doubly blessed.

    Happy Birthday to Matthew.

  15. This made me weep big time. AFter eight years of infertility rigors I got pregnant and lost the first baby. Christmas of 1990 I became pregnant. To this day I still cannot believe at Christmas of all times I got pregnant. Christmas is so not my favorite holiday—–to much work and to many people to please. In September, 1991 I delivered my daughter. What joy after so many years of hardship. I became pregnant again at Christmas in 1993 with a due date of September 17th of 1994. Again I lost this baby in the spring. I am so blessed that I got one child to the planet and cannot wait to be reunited with the ones I lost.

  16. Every year, every word is deeply touching, dear Amanda. May Matthew’s Lights warm your home with heavenly love and fill you with serenity. Along with your immeasurable love for your sweet family, your sharing, giving of time and creativity are testaments that Matthew lives through you and touches countless of people.
    May God bless you and light your way today and always.

  17. Since you shared Matthew’s story with us many years ago, I think of you every year before Thanksgiving and the heart ache you feel. Thank you for celebrating his life and sharing it with all of us. I know he is cradled in God’s arms for always and you will be joined with him one day. Prayers for all of your hearts today.

  18. Amanda, Thank you for sharing Matthew with us. I prayed for you this morning as soon as I realized it was November 22. You bring such joy to your family, your friends, and your readers. I look forward to meeting you some day when you get to South Carolina. And I love the way you share your faith. How blessed are we to believe in a loving God and know that we do have eternal life. Thank you and Happy Thanksgiving. Much love!

  19. Thinking of you, Amanda, and the open heart with which you love. You inspire me and I am certain that your boys are as blessed to have you as you are to have them. Loss does make us realize our blessings if we do not allow ourselves to become bitter. Thank you for being such a wonderful example. Blessings to your family.

  20. Dear Amanda,

    Today is my son’s birthday–his 40th! I am sad and elated at the same time reading your sweet message today. Out of Matthew’s birth and death, you learned so much and have become such a wonderful Mommy. Blessings to you and your family and for a Happy Thanksgiving.

  21. On May 25 of this year, our first grandchild, Adam, was stillborn. We too, held him, rocked him, and marveled at his red blonde curls. He had Trisomy 13. We knew the whole time that he might not live, or live long. But he was and is so loved.

  22. Said a prayer for Matthew and your family today. I’m not sure if you ever watch the Outlander series on Starz, but I found myself thinking of you while watching the episode “Faith”.
    It was profound, heartbreaking and beautiful all at the same time. Thank you for giving a voice to all those special angels out there; sadly it isn’t something often spoken about. XO!

  23. Oh, Amanda! Thinking of you and sweet, sweet Matthew always, especially today. I too lost a son, my first born 9 years ago this past June. He was born prematurely and passed away just 36 hours after he was born. I was so sick after he was born that I didn’t see him until a few short hours before he passed. I feel so incredibly grateful for those few precious hours. I also feel incredibly grateful for the 2 beautiful children I went on to have after him. Your words sum up all of my thoughts and feelings on life and my family. I try to live my life in a way that would make my son proud of me. Sending you much love and hugs today and throughout the holiday season. Thanks for sharing Matthew with us. It really helps knowing I’m alone.

  24. Bless you…and thank you for sharing this. My parents’ first daughter was also stillborn. While i have always known it was devastating for them , until I read your story, I never truly understood just how much. Thank you.

  25. Thank you for sharing your heartfelt story about your precious Matthew. I read your post earlier today and again this afternoon. Brought tears again. A touching reminder of how precious life truly is. Blessings to you Amanda. Wishing for you and all in your family a wonderful Thanksgiving. God Bless.

  26. I read your tribute to Matthew each year and am always so incredibly touched by it. Thank you for sharing Matthew’s story with us. Thank you for reminding us to always be grateful for the time we have with our precious children! God bless you and keep you!!

  27. Amanda, you are a beautiful person inside and out. Your tribute to Matthew is always so touching and written with such love. As I read your story each year, I am reminded of how precious life is. You are such an inspiration with the way you raise your boys and the way you live your life in general. You are in my prayers today and I hope you enjoy your Thanksgiving with your sweet family!
    xo
    Shelley

  28. Dear Amanda, I believe The Lord is using you and your blog as a minister to others who are experiencing the deep, deep anguish of loss. The even deeper love and joy you know and exude for your boys is so humbling as it reminds me that out of Jesus’ Anguish we can know the Father’s love. Thank you for bejng an obedient servant Amanda. May God bless you and your encoraging ministry.

  29. This is so beautiful. I am moved to tears every time I read Matthew’s story. Thank you for sharing your story and Matthew’s story with all of us. I can’t imagine the heartbreak. You are so strong and brave. They way you live your life with your boys absolutely shows you live fully and make every day count. Prayers for you and your family.

  30. Both my husband and I read your story. “Beautiful” was the word that we both uttered, in response. The gratitude with which you approach the time you had with Matthew, so obviously formed by your great Catholic faith, provides us all with a wonderful model of grace. This life allows for much suffering because, as we Catholics know, it also allows for incredible joy and love that comes from our free will. We experience both and in these vast experiences, continue to find ourselves with opportunities to draw closer to Christ’s message as well as His sacrifice for all of us.

    We know Matthew must now be his brothers’ keeper, and yours and Honey’s as well. May we all be blessed with such grace that allows us to find the gratitude on the other side of grief the way that you have. May God Bless your family, including sweet Matthew. Much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving and always! Hugs :)

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