The Son I Lost

Eight years ago today, on Thanksgiving Day, I gave birth to our second son, Matthew.  He was so loved, so tiny and perfect in every way.  But he was still born.

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Atlanta’s Arlington Cemetery Angel Garden

I share this story every year on his birth day for many reasons.  One, because I love him so very much and miss him tremendously.  A mother’s love truly knows no bounds.  My time with him was so terribly short, but my love for him is so big and so real even all of these years later.  I don’t think the depth of my feelings for him can be understood by someone that hasn’t walked this path.  I never would have dreamed it or understood it had I not suffered through it.  In my mind, it would be an injustice to him to let his birth day come and go without mentioning it.  It’s the only way I know to keep a part of him alive.

I also share this story because I was so terribly alone in the days leading up to his birth and the terrible weeks that followed.  I don’t mean alone in a physical sense, because I had Honey and John and family and friends with me every second of the day.  But emotionally I had no one.  I knew no one that had delivered a still born child.  I had no idea what to expect in delivery and what would happen afterwards.  I knew that he was not alive, I knew that I would have to go through labor and child birth, but I still didn’t know anything at all really.  I was hungry for information and, most of all, for someone that could genuinely tell me that it would be okay.  One day.  People kept saying it, but nobody that had lived through it.  So, today and every day, I put myself out there as that person for anyone that needs me.  I am here to help in any way I can.  Please, please just ask.  Alone is a terrible place to be.

Another part of my story is that people that don’t really know me always remark about how early we put up our Christmas decorations, some not so kindly at all.  And everyone and their brother uses social media as a platform to complain about Thanksgiving not getting its day in the sun.  I’ll be honest, in this home it doesn’t.  It’s just too hard.  I am immensely thankful, every day.  But on Thanksgiving I’m mostly just sad.  The year that I had Matthew I put up my Christmas decorations extra early – for the first time ever.  Coming home from the hospital and turning them on was one bright twinkling light in what felt like an abyss of darkness and loss.  And the pure joy that radiated through little two-year-old John’s face was something I’ll never forget.  So, in the years that have followed,  I get the entire house decked out the week before his birthday.  (I’ve been working like crazy to get it done between Fort Lauderdale, school feasts, a birthday party and work.)  We don’t light a single tree and then, on November 22, we light up the house, turn on the carols, and fill our home with joy AND thankfulness for the rest of the season.

And, the last reason that I share Matthew’s story every year on his birth day is to give thanks for the two precious boys that I did have the great fortune of bringing home from the hospital.  Through Matthew’s autopsy and countless doctor appointments, we learned that I have a blood clotting disorder.  The fact that John was born and we were blissfully unaware is a true miracle.  I was treated during my pregnancy with Whit, but still had pretty heavy odds of the same thing happening with him… or a slew of other things than can go wrong with blood thinners.  Having Matthew truly opened my eyes and radically changed the way I live and parent.  These children are true miracles, I am SO blessed to have them in my life, I am incredibly humbled to be their mother, and I will show them every single minute of every single day how much I love them.  Sure, we have a lot of special dinners, we stay up too late playing games, we go over the top for holidays, we travel to Disney more than any family should, and we probably don’t save enough each month as a result.  Life can change in an instant and I want to make the most of every instant I have.

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To close, I went back and forth between sharing this last little bit.  I recently spent a few minutes talking with a “psychic” at a Halloween party.  Not because I thought it was real, but because it was Halloween and it was fun and “everyone else was doing it”.  I was completely and utterly in disbelief when I walked in the room and she just stared at me.  It seemed like an eternity before she spoke and said, “There are so many angels around you.  So VERY many angels.  You have a son and you will see him again.  He is with you.”  I have wanted to believe this for eight long years.  To carry a child and birth a child and then live years knowing that he never saw your face or walked one step on this earth or met his brothers or laughed or celebrated or… anything… it’s hard.  I have prayed so many times that I would meet him again.  And while I do believe in angels, I guess I was still so unsure.  Yet, hearing it from a complete stranger was so convincing.  And so vaildating.  And so very, very hopeful.

Love and hugs to ALL of you that have lost a child too soon.  My heart truly breaks for you.

xoxo

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66 thoughts on “The Son I Lost

  1. I am sitting here in tears reading your story Amanda. And hearing about the angels around you tipped me over the edge. I’m a firm believer in angels, and after losing my brother nearly eight years ago, I have seen proof of it. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m so sorry that you had to suffer through such an unimaginable loss, but I’m certain it will help someone else going through the same thing. God bless you and all of your beautiful boys.

  2. This brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing such a personal story. I remember reading about Matthew last year this time. That is amazing about the psychic. My thoughts are with you as you get through Thanksgiving. On a happy note I CANNOT wait to see your Christmas decorations!

  3. Amanda, I am so sorry for your loss. You are precious and so thoughtful to share your story in the hopes that it could help just one person. I DO believe that you will see Matthew again & that he feels your love for him every day. You are an incredible woman and Mother. ? xo

  4. Amanda, your heartfelt story about your loss brings me to tears. I suffered numerous miscarriages before I successfully carried my two children to full term. I felt a loss that can’t be described. It was a huge black hole that I thought I’d never be able to overcome. Your story resonates so powerfully with so many of us that have experienced indescribably loss. You are brave and an inspiration to so many. Thanks for sharing your story with me and so many others!

  5. I have been thinking of you as I prepare for Thanksgiving because I know this is always a tough week for you. Once again, your story made me cry but it also gave me hope. I believe in angels and I believe Matthew is with you. You have been blessed with so much love from your family and friends. You are never alone. Take care on this sad day and give those precious boys extra hugs. You are an amazing person and mother and deserve all the happiness in the world.
    xxoo Shelley

  6. Amanda,
    Even though I don’t know you I wanted to reach out to encourage you. I did not have to go through the enduring pain of delivering a still born baby but I did lose a baby in between my girls. I remember thinking that I had never been in such a lonely and dark place and the world just kept on moving while I was dying inside. My faith is what pulled me through and the belief that God did have a plan even for that tiny little life for a tiny little moment. Never apologize for loving your boys with abandon or living life to the fullest. The bible tells us God sent his son so we would have life and have it abundantly. Loving your family like crazy is a perfect example of abundant living. Your bravery and honesty is refreshing and touched my heart today. Shea

  7. Amanda, thank you for sharing your story. My son’s name is Matthew, too, and I’m sure you know that the name Matthew means “a gift from God.” Your Matthew is your angel in Heaven. Sending you prayers and hugs today and during the holidays.

  8. Amanda I have been following your blog for a number of years…. Because of you I brought my daughter (11) from the UK to visit Serenbe and spent days in Savannah following all your suggestions- Freya my daughter avidly follows your boys – what a brave and incredibly giving person you are. I am so sorry for your loss… And I’m heartened to hear your recent encounter has brought some solace we send much much love to you and your lovely family from Liverpool UK

  9. Oh how this brings the tears. Thank you for sharing your story. I remember reading it last year having had no idea you had lost a son. And I never would have imagined our family would go through something similar a few months later. My twin sister lost her newborn son in July. It was a different situation- we found out in Feb he wouldn’t survive- but I imagine the feelings around his birth were very similar. And the feeling of being alone was my biggest fear for her. And it’s still so very hard, walking a road that none of your friends have. I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your beloved son. Please know that he will never be forgotten. I can’t even imagine how hard it is to live every day on this Earth without him, but what a sweet reunion you will have with him one day! “He will wipe every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; for the former things have passed away. Behold, I am making all things new.” Rev 21:4

  10. Amanda,
    Every year I read your reflections, I feel like you are sitting next to me telling me the story of Matthew. I love how you have chosen to honor him.

    I have never experienced a still birth nor do I have any friends who have, but my mom lost one of my siblings when she was 6 or 7 months pregnant. It was just never talked about.

    What I can relate to is the pain of loosing a child. I miscarried my first pregnancy. I had just purchased my first maternity outfit for a wedding we were going to and started to bleed that evening. Sadly, we had been trying for almost three years to conceive and my nurse commented the day they confirmed the pregnancy ‘good thing you got pregnant because based on your labs I don’t know how it happened’. I tried not to carry that with me after we lost our baby….but it haunted me always.

    You are so right unless you go through the experience others cannot relate.
    The pain is so overwhelming and the feeling of loss is unbearable. Like you I have an amazing husband and he was my rock.

    Never thinking there would be another pregnancy, we were surprised to be blessed almost three months later when one was confirmed. Ironically his due date was the exact day we started to miscarry our first. It wasn’t an easy pregnancy. Not because I had morning sickness, but I worried every single day that I would loose him. He is now grown in to an amazing man, getting married next summer and is less than two years away from earning his Doctorate. He will be 26 in February.

    He yearned for years for a baby brother or sister and would say his prayers every night asking for one. Like me, I’m certain you often found yourself thinking John would be an only child. That is truly how we pursued life with Andrew and just kept putting it in God’s hands.

    I will never forget the day we were told we were pregnant with Stephen. It was a joy I will never ever forget. I was already 41 when I delivered him and just never gave up. That young man just turned 22 last week. I don’t think I need to tell you how awesome it is to be the mom of boys.

    I still grieve our lost baby. One of my comfort outlets has been to make bereavement baby blankets and hats for our local hospitals. I have been told that parents find great comfort in having something to keep that was worn by their lost child. I would encourage other moms grieving the loss of a child who read your blog to consider finding an outlet such as this to help them through the process. It has brought me great comfort.

    Blessings to you and your family this holiday season!

  11. Amanda,
    I forgot to mention the picture of you and your boys is my favorite of all that you have ever posted! Your love just shines.

  12. What a beautiful post. I love how you have taken a very painful and sorrowful experience and made it such an inspirational way to parent your two darling boys. It’s always the challenges we face in life that makes us appreciate all the blessings we have and usually changes us for the better. God Bless and Merry Christmas!

  13. I haven’t been here in awhile but so happy I had a moment today. This is such a special story and a beautiful tribute to Matthew. Loss of a child is an experience that no one should have to experience but I’m glad you’ve shared…just in case another mom needs this support. Each year that I read your story, I learn something new.

    I’ve spoken to psychics and mediums and so many are truly gifted! I spoke with one a few months after we lost Abby and I can’t tell you the peace it brought me. I’ve always believed in angels and yes, Matthew’s spirit is always with you and you WILL see him again! That is a blessing from above.

    Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
    xo
    Pat

  14. I’m always so sad to hear this story every year and I don’t even know you. You’re in my thoughts and prayers today! Our boys are the same age and I too cherish every day with mine. We travel to Disney way too often as well and it always makes me feel a little better seeing someone else who goes as often as we do!!! These precious children will be out of our homes before too long so we have to cherish it while we can! Have a happy Thanksgiving week with your boys and I wish we were in Disney!! :)

  15. Amanda, your story of Matthew brings tears every year. Thank you for sharing this story. One of our neighbors had three stillborn children and showed a courage and strength I knew I could never have had. She went on to have two beautiful, healthy girls. I have no doubt you WILL both see your children again! For now I thank you both for sharing your stories. We should all relish every day with those we love. I hope once again, those twinkling lights will bring peace and joy to your home and will shine on in Matthew’s memory.

  16. You were the first person outside of friends on my doorstep that I remember offering me the comfort I needed. I so desperately needed to know that I was going to live and go on and be a good mother. You were that person for me three years ago when Cooper was born still born, and you inspire me daily. Never stop sharing. Hugs. Thinking of you all and praying. Enjoy the decked out house….I know that is your special comfort. xoxo

  17. My living angels & my angel Christina in heaven are what keep me going. When she was still born 18 years ago, a kind nurse told me, “One day in heaven she will tap you on the shoulder and say, “Momma”.” I hold that thought close to my heart. Thanks for sharing and special hugs to you.

  18. Amanda,
    Prayers for you. I ask peace for your heart, hope for your soul and joy in your celebrations with your precious family this holiday season. Your intimate words are surely a comfort for so many.
    Carol

  19. Amanda,
    Praying for you on this day. Thank you for sharing your story and for your willingness to help others. May the Lord bless and keep you and your family.

    Samantha

  20. You bring so much joy and inspiration to so many, like myself, who have never met you. I can only imagine the blessing you are to those who truly do know and love you – including your Angel, Matthew. Xoxo
    Happy Merry Thanksgiving Birthday!!!!

  21. Precious Amanda, God bless you, friend. I just have to say again about your beautiful Disney photos ~ there is a sense of Matthew in the peacefulness and soft glow. It defies explaination why it was the first thought that came to me when you shared them but it is something very special. God has promised that you will meet again and I believe angels are all around us. This will be the first Christmas without my dear mother so I am, through many mixed emotions, lighting evrything more brightly for her. And today, when I illuminate our home for the first time this season (my earliest ever, I shall send a prayer to you for comfort….and rays of light up to Matthew. You are full of pure love and devotion, Amanda. May God continue to grant you peace, an inspiring attitude and strength. With lots of love to your family, Jane

  22. Although I don’t “really” know you, I feel that from just reading your blog I kind of do. I get the sense that you are a kind and caring person, and both mature and wise beyond your years. I don’t understand the logic of some people who criticize the way people live, or in your case the way you honor the loss of your precious child. Please don’t let the negative things people do or say get to you, there really are some pretty clueless people in this world. It always makes me strive to have fun whenever possible after I read about your family adventures. Life can be so stress filled and it’s so awesome to be able to just let go of all that and savor the wonderfulness too!

  23. My heart breaks for you every year you share this. While that has never happened to me, I can’t imagine the pain and grief it brings. I adore that you do things big with your boys. They truly have an amazing mother! {{{Hugs}}}

  24. Thank you for sharing. I too have gone through loss. Four years ago, I lost twins and shortly after was told that I would never have children. I too believe they are little angels up in Heaven and that their grandparents are taking good care of them. You and your blog is such an inspiration. Thank you again and may your family have a blessed holiday season.

  25. I have read your story for 3 years..but this time, it was the most beautiful yet. I believe in the psychic..because I have sporadic esp tendencies. I never know when it will happen, but when I know of a future event, it comes true. So, as you say, we never know how something feels until we live it. I always tend to believe others, because I have not walked in their shoes. You are a wonderful mother, and an outstanding human being.

  26. I read about your sweet baby boy last year. Reading it again this year brought tears to my eyes. I lost our son to brain cancer. He was in Children’s hospital for 11 months. A Dr’s fatal mistake took his life. I too often wondered if I will see him again. My faith in Christ is so strong. I know I will see him again but a mommy never stops worrying about their child.
    We keep our son’s memory alive on his birthday, every Holiday and even the day he passed. Everyday actually. If putting your Christmas decor up early is something you do for your son that makes you feel better, then, don’t worry about what anyone says. They didn’t walk in your shoes.
    From one mommy to another. May God Bless you and give you peace that only He can give. Sending love and hugs from California. Xo

  27. Amanda
    Reading your beautiful words for Matthew brought tears to my eyes, my heart breaks for you, I have always loved the extra mile you go for your two precious boys, and now reading the reason, it just makes sense.
    I personally can’t wait to see your Christmas decorations and will smile that little bit more knowing this is what brings you comfort during this time, there are too many hard hearted souls in this world always at the ready to tear someone else down.
    Thank you for sharing with us.
    Vanessa x

  28. Thank you for sharing Matthew with us, you are a very strong individual and a loving mother, your two sons are blessed to have you. Merry Christmas.

  29. Thank you so much for sharing your story Amanda, you do it so beautifully. I have lost 2 pregnancies myself, hearing others who have gone through this is a great healer. It reminds me of a quote that is so true “The toughest battles are not fought on the field, but in a Mother’s heart”. Blessings to you and your family & Happy Thanksgiving :-)

  30. Thank you for sharing-I too have been reading your blog for several years. Your post is very touching. My 25 year old son died 19 months ago. My angel is also at Arlington-it is beautiful there. I know I will see him again! Merry Christmas!!!

  31. Hugs! My daughter was diagnosed with a terminal genetic disorder at 4 months of age with a life expectancy of “maybe” 2 years. We had her for 13 years. I remember thinking I would never find joy again but I did. She and my other daughter led me there again. Thank you for sharing. Never let others’ negative opinions touch you!

  32. I always think of you when Thanksgiving approaches, knowing how hard this day is for you. I will be praying for peace for you and Honey, and for your sweet boys who lost their brother.
    Hugs!!!

  33. My heart is broken as I read your story again. This is the third year I’ve read it and it is like the first. I heard a story a few months ago about a couple who couldn’t conceive. They were strong Christians and asked God many times for a baby. She finally conceived and at about 8 1/2 months she miscarried. Of course, they were devastated. She asked God for answers and peace and she said she knew that God took that baby directly to Heaven to be with him. She’ll only know why when she gets to Heaven. But she will be reunited with her baby! (II Samuel 12:23) Don’t shortchange Matthew by believing he is an angel. Angels were never human and will never be. Matthew is in Heaven now. Jesus has prepared a place for him!( John 14:2). Jesus will return and all believers will be together in Heaven!

  34. Today I celebrated my son’s 39th birthday with him and his family. I am so sorry that you have not had the same privilege. Hugs to you, Honey and the boys for a happy holiday season as you celebrate the love you share.

  35. Thank you for sharing your heart, Amanda! Your post truly touched my heart. I am so happy that you had the experience at the party – what a beautiful thought to imagine your precious angel surrounding you. I had several miscarriages and was also diagnosed w/ a blood clotting disorder. Those were some of the loneliest times of my life. I think it’s so caring of you to put your story out there in the hopes of helping someone else. Love and prayers of comfort to you xoxo

  36. I love the way you celebrate Matthew this time each year and honor your sweet boys on Earth each & every day. I believe in angels, too, and there is no doubt in my mind that Matthew is definitely with you each and every day. He knows you as his mama, and he knows how much you love & adore him, too. Enjoy your Merry Thanksgiving with all of your precious boys. Sending love & prayers…

  37. You. You are the absolute best. I hadn’t seen this story before (started reading within the last year). You blog is my favorite and you are the epitome of grace, kindness and strength. My thoughts are with you today. I hope you are finding peace and joy among the sadness today. So much love to all of you.

  38. I have a friend who lost a child in child birth…it was a truly heartbreaking and unthinkable thing that happened…and for you, I cannot imagine the devastating thing that you went through….You are a very brave and endearing person to reach out to others who experienced the tremendous loss as you did. The psychic was right…your angel is always with you…as many are…and you must know that you are truly an angel on earth.

  39. Hi Amanda,
    Thank you for sharing such a personal and painful event with all of us readers. You are very brave.
    I do believe we are reunited with our loved ones in heaven and that they are part of a communion of saints with us and praying for us all the time.
    I mostly want to say that you have turned a travesty into such a vibrant love for celebrating and appreciating your family. That’s why I love to read your blog.
    I do pray that your sparkling Christmas lights and stockings by the fire bring you some peace and solace. Someday I am certain your boy in heaven will tell you he loved how you included him in your life!
    ~Kandace
    PS. All these comments making me teary-eyed and ever so thankful for my blessings!
    PPS. Mother Teresa says the fruit of suffering is compassion. I have often thought you seem to be a very compassionate person!!

  40. Thank you so much for putting this out there each year. We all have our crosses to bear but most of us choose to hide them. It’s such a good reminder that your just never know…. Hugs to you!

  41. Thank you for sharing your story. My daughter was recently born stillborn at full term. We are trying to figure out how to cope with the pain and grief of such an incredible loss that will undoubtedly stay with us forever. Hearing your story brings me hope and comfort that I will see my baby girl again.

  42. Thank you Amanda, nobody can walk in our shoes can they. We are quick to condemn, critizise and belittle others just because we think they are not conforming in the way we think they should – who cares when decorations are put up…Really!. Thank you also for sharing your story, I cannot even begin to understand how you must have felt, I admire you for emerging from the experience obviously a well balanced beautiful young mother with 2 gorgeous boys and supportive husband. You are indeed blessed.

  43. I have followed your blog for a couple of years and enjoy it so much! Every year I read the post on your son, Matthew, and each time it brings me to tears. Thank you for sharing in such a personal way.

  44. Amanda, I think it’s so generous and good of you to share your very personal story for those who might have suffered the same kind of loss. I’m so sorry you went through that. I love hearing about the person behind a blog and the pretty house :) Wishing you and your family peace and love this Thanksgiving and anniversary of your sweet Matthew’s birth.

  45. I’ve read your story of Matthew before and I’ve always appreciated the way you share your experience to honor him and encourage others. Your story had a special place in my heart because I have a Matthew. The unimaginable has happened and I have unexpectedly lost my son recently. I am completely heart broken and especially with Thanksgiving this week (his favorite) I am in a very lonely place even though I’m surrounded by a large family. I just can’t bring myself to celebrate this year. What I wanted to tell you is you will never regret extra days of celebrating holidays, visiting their classrooms, going to their sports events (everyday), playing games, reading books, watching movies together, going on vacations (especially Disney) and giving a little extra effort in making fun evenings at home. You’ll only regret when you no longer have that opportunity.

  46. You are a blessing to so many people. Thank you for sharing your story and for spreading your love of life every day on your blog.

  47. Thank you for sharing your story. I am not a parent and have never had the desire to be, but I know there is a special bond between parent and child that is undeniable. I feel your love for him through your words. I believe there are angels amongst us and I believe that Matthew is truly happy that you celebrate him every year. God bless you and your family.

  48. A big hug to you Amanda… I too lost a baby 2 years ago, not stillborn like yours, but thru a miscarriage at 10 weeks. I ached and hurt for so long and still think of my little one watching over us , all the memento and ultrasound photos are in a box right beside my bed where I think it’ll always be since he will always be in my heart and mind forever.

    I decorate for Christmas way early too, the only reason is, I grew up in the Philippines where we do not celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas season starts as early as September! So whenever I see an early decorator I naturally think they didn’t grow up in the U.S., but now I know there are all sorts of other reasons for that, and your story, is just as important and meaningful. Thank you for sharing!

  49. amanda, you have touched so many hearts with this post. i will forever more think of your sweet matthew with each twinkle of a christmas light.

  50. I think of you often this time of year. I have read Matthew’s story for several years now. I thought of you and him the other day when I hung the little blue angel on our vintage tree. Yes, we too are decorating early. To those who question it, and think we are skipping over Thanksgiving, I say…while we “celebrate” Thanksgiving one day a year in this country, I prefer to be THANKFUL everyday for the gift of life, the love of family and friends, and for the Savior who died so that I may have all of the above and a life eternal where I know I will once again see those we have lost here on earth. Blessings Amanda for a beautiful holiday season filled with peace, love, comfort and joy!!

  51. This post brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry for the loss of your son, Matthew. By sharing yours and Matthew’s story you are helping and encouraging so many. I always find your blog so inspiring and appreciate how you make everyday life moments into wonderful memories for your family. I recently learned about this organization who’s purpose is to support those that have experienced infant loss. http://www.hopemommies.org
    I will be praying for your family!

  52. So beautiful, Amanda. I have no doubt that you will see and hold Matthew again. Thinking of you through this difficult holiday and wishing you the best.

  53. I first read about Matthew a few months ago. Now, once again, I sit here in tears. I’m crying partly because I can’t imagine the emotional pain you experienced losing a child. Then partly because I recently lost my grandmother and now I’m faced with being thankful and celebrating without her. My aunt’s first born was still born. She celebrates Kayla’s birthday every year. Kayla would be 27 now.

  54. Amanda, from the bottom of my heart, I want to thank you for being so very brave and sharing with us the story of your son Matthew.

    This past June marked the 8 year anniversary of the birth and passing of my first child William. He was born 16 weeks premature after I developed preeclampsia and Hellp syndrome. He passed away just 36 hours later. Your beautiful words sum up every feeling and thought I have ever had.

    I’m happy to say I was able to go on and have 2 more healthy pregnancies and now I also have a 6 year old son and a 5 year old daughter. I never try to take a single day for granted, even the really hard ones because there was once a time where I didn’t think I would ever be able to have any more children.

    You are an amazing mother and woman. Thank you for inspiring me to make everyday count. Wishing you and your family and happy holiday season. Sending many hugs to you on Thanksgiving.

  55. Last year I read the post about your precious angel, Matthew. At the time I didn’t know how to share with you that there will never be another Thanksgiving without you, Matthew, and your family being in my heart. A mutual friend once told me that you were one of the most genuinely sincere and kind people she knew. Her description could not have been more perfect. I delight each day in the stories and photos you share. On this occasion I can only imagine the pain you must feel. Your posts make me laugh, cry, and want to be a better person. I now understand exactly our friend’s description of you. Thank you for sharing your joy in your family, your creativity, and most of all your sincere kindness. May you and your family be blessed by the love of all those you inspire each and every day. You are truly my hero.

  56. Amanda – thank you sharing your sweet story about your angel, Matthew. May you and your family only find happiness and love in the future.

  57. I love that you share this every year. First, because I feel like I know Matthew now, which is a pretty amazing thing when you really think about it. Also, because it always comes at a time when my two boys are testing my limits. I don’t know why but I always feel like I read this post when I really need to. I love that I can say a little prayer for Matthew. I 100% believe that you two will meet again someday. Mom to mom, what you do for him is such a beautiful act of love.

  58. Thank you for sharing your story. I too had a stillborn in March of this year and also found out I had a clotting disorder after the birth. I was 38 weeks and his name was Noah. The holidays this year have been hard for me and reading your story helps me know that it is OK to “change” how we now handle the holidays. I haven’t even been able to put up a tree yet and sometimes just thinking of it brings tears to my eyes. I know this will be the hardest Christmas I will ever have and sometimes I just want to bypass it. But I remember that I cant for Noah’s sake, I have to be present and help honor him and all the other babies that dont get to be with their families this holiday season.

    Much love.

  59. In the Bible, when King David loses his infant son, he says “I will go to him one day, but he cannot return to me.” It’s a beautiful confirmation that Matthew is with the Lord waiting for you. Sending you love.

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